I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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