we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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