my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
