You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
