1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
