you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
