Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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