I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
