i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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