i permit you to call me
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
