hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
