you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
