Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
All I want is dick and wine.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
