I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
