we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
