I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
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...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
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Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.