So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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