I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.