the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
