hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
