my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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