shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
