This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
