You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
