They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
