At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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