Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
