just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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