I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
