The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
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