The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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