My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
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