My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
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I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
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Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize