Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
