hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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