if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
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