I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
