I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
if only i could text you this smell
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
this hospital has no fireball
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
