She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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