I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
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I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
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Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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