I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
