i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
