It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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