I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
