The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
