He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
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do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
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Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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