My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
