My liver just broke up with me...
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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