We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
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I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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Should I go bust a nut on the beach
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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