Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
