He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
