i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
