i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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