Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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