Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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