I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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