he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
