It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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