I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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