Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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