I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
