My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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