DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
