no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
