my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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