my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My ass is underappreciated
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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