Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
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I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
That accounts for only three of the penises
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
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You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He did a backflip because drugs
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